The Power Of The Mind

You should never underestimate the power of the mind when you’re seeking to rectify sexual problems.

You see, although most scientists will never admit as much, the fact is that sexual dysfunction resides very much in the mind as well as the body – indeed, there is plenty of evidence to suggest that it’s actually more in the mind than the body.

People won’t be willing, in the main, to admit that they have had sexual experiences which left them with emotional hangovers – what most people would call emotional “baggage” – the cause of sexual dysfunction in adult life.

It is, after all, potentially quite shameful to admit the fact that you are not a good sexual performer, or perhaps, if you’re a woman, that you don’t feel attractive or you can’t reach orgasm.

Certainly for a large number of men, the ability to “perform” well in bed is impaired, and to give a woman an orgasm is absolutely critical to their sexual self-esteem.

Now, as we’ve already seen, delayed ejaculation can affect a man’s self-esteem by rendering him unable to ejaculate at the moment of climax – and indeed, premature ejaculation has a number of factors in common with this (for example, a man may feel shamed and humiliated if he ejaculates too quickly during sexual activity).

Yet when men seek treatment for this sexual dysfunction, they are usually given SSRI antidepressants for premature ejaculation, and very little hope of remedy for delayed ejaculation – the prospect of sexual therapy or psychological therapy is very rarely mentioned, even though this might actually be useful approach for ameliorating the symptoms.

What occurred to me when I was treating men for these conditions over a number of years was the interesting possibility that actually men could work on the problems themselves by using various mental techniques that might allow them to get to grips with the emotional issues without the help of a conventional therapist

After all, seeing a therapist for sexual dysfunction can be highly embarrassing, and it’s not something many men would wish to experience.

That leads me on to a review of the mental and emotional techniques that men could use if they are so inclined

To deal with the issue of sexual dysfunction, you could try:

Cognitive behavioural therapy has a lot to be said for it, because it doesn’t delve deep into the mysteries and psychological wounds of your past, but focuses on the issues which pervade your psyche in the here and now, potentially interfering with your sexual ability.

However, for those brave characters who want to explore their past, and willing to do work on the deep wounds in the psyche, psychodynamic psychotherapy will allow the exploration of historical material, potentially finding out the origin of sexual dysfunction in the present.

Although this can be highly effective therapy, it tends to be expensive, and it tends to be long-lasting unless you adopt a variant of it called Shadow work, which is much more rapid and uses a kind of psychodrama to get to the heart of the issues that may be playing out within your psyche.

So these are formal therapies that you can actually go to a therapist for, but the interesting possibility that remains undiscussed (and usually ignored) in matters like this is that of helping yourself by using some mental visualization, meditation, and reprogramming techniques.

There are many possibilities here including self hypnosis – which offers wide range possibilities, from a huge number of practitioners on the Internet, some of greater and some of lesser value. The way to find out whether or not there is a therapist and practitioner on the Internet who might help you is to browse the Internet and to look at their websites until you find one that “speaks to you” and seems appealing and genuine.

The next approach is to use something like the Lekoe method, which is an online cognitive behavioural therapy counseling service – at least, that’s my interpretation of it as far as I can make out without having joined the service. Another approach, of course, is to buy self-help books and read them – and this can be very effective in providing you with insights into the origin of your condition, although it has to be said that it’s not likely to bring about an amelioration of symptoms any time soon.

Indeed, I suspect that if you counted the number of self-help books left on people’s shelves after purchase, you would be quite startled!

To be honest self hypnosis is one of my favourite techniques for bringing about change in the psyche and rendering a man capable of full sexual performance – but some people are more susceptible to hypnosis than others, and so I’d fully understand if you didn’t feel able to take this up as an option.

So what I’m going to recommend to you is that you read a website on manifestation and the Law of Attraction – and although this may seem like an odd choice, if you read on explain why.

The essence of manifestation and the law of attraction techniques are all about visualization and self belief – and it’s been demonstrated that visualization can be very powerful way to change the reality that you are experiencing world today.

Although classically used for the manifestation of material goods or perhaps relationships, or prosperity or abundance, there’s no reason whatsoever that law of attraction techniques can’t be used to manifest a change in your internal mental state – so much so in fact, that if you go to a website which is reliable and authentic around the possibility of attraction and manifestation, you should find it very easy indeed to adapt the techniques they describe in a way that allows you to achieve normal sexual functioning.

I do have several recommendations, as you probably anticipated from the tone of this post, and you can find in the links in this article.

Mind you, to be fully effective, when you visualize any outcome, whether that be you lasting five minutes during lovemaking or twenty minutes, you must absolutely believe in the possibility of what you’re trying to achieve.

Indeed, as I make clear on my website looking for a magical secret will not help you. And bear in mind, limiting factors come no more powerful than negative beliefs about what is possible – you absolutely have to have a clear intention, total commitment to achieving that outcome, as well as absolute belief that it’s possible for you to achieve it.

But, having said that, you will find if you practice assiduously, you visualize for 15 – 20 minutes twice a day, and perhaps combine this with a self hypnosis tape, that you can transform the nature of your sexual experience in a fairly short period of time – perhaps three months or less.

Now I know this may seem unlikely for many of you who’ve been schooled in a practical and rational way of seeing the world, but the fact of the matter remains that mental techniques like this have been used by cancer patients to cure their disease, they have been used by people with serious mental physical illnesses to achieve complete recovery, and they have been used to bring about astonishing changes in relationships between members of the same family.

At the end of the day, success or failure is only down to your belief – perhaps, some might say, only down to matter of choice: in other words, whether or not you choose to take the idea seriously, and then choose to implement it with a clear intention to transform your sexual performance.

And what’s worthy of note as well, is the fact that these techniques can be used to transform the quality of your relationships, not only of sexual relationships, but your friendships as well.


Male Sexual Dysfunction

If you aren’t an experienced lover, or a confident one, it’s entirely possible that you are avoiding sexual activity because of fear of rejection or fear of intimacy.

This is quite understandable, because it is when we are a sexual relationship that we lay our souls most vulnerable to other people, and for those who have been wounded in childhood the pain of exposing themselves and being hurt can be so great that they avoid intimate relationships.

Nonetheless, it also entirely true that the human being is a social animal and to feel complete needs social connection with other humans.

At its most profound, a relationship can provide a sense of purpose and belonging in the world which is essential for mental health.

It is also true that for relationships be entirely successful, the sexual aspect of intimacy must be functioning to the satisfaction of both members of the partnership.

It’s ironic, therefore, that there is no way that a relationship can be more challenging than on the sexual front: the potential for difficulty is immense, with men subject to difficulties such as premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, and worries about sexual performance, and with women experiencing self-doubt around their bodies, possibly low sexual drive, and often a lack of orgasmic capacity.

There is however a cure for each of these difficulties: for men who want to last longer during sex, training programs are available, just as they are for women who want to become orgasmic.

My advice would be to get help with any sexual difficulties that you may be experiencing so that these do not interfere with the formation of a long-term relationship.

The reality is that any couple who live together will experience sexual problems from time to time, and the cause of these can be one of any number of problems such as illness, a breakdown in communication, a loss of interest in sex due to life events such as stress or giving birth, or an accumulation of resentments in the relationship.

In any of these situations, problems begin to escalate very rapidly. When either one or both of the partners in an intimate relationship are finding they have reduced sexual desire, or they are experiencing some challenges in becoming physically aroused, or they are having problems with rapid ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, or non-existent orgasms, it is advisable to get help because such problems rarely improve of their own accord.

In some cases they made actually be a physical reason for the development sexual dysfunction, the doctor can help: but there are also many sexual problems that are entirely due to emotional or psychological issues, and in these situations there is usually a combination of factors at work.

It’s also important to remember that sexual relationship is a very good indicator of the state of the couples wider relationship, which means that when there are sexual difficulties there are often difficulties in the relationship in nonsexual areas.

One clear example of this is when people find that their desire has decreased: this is often caused by unspoken anger, sense of resentment, or a sheer loss of intimacy between the two individuals.

Strangely enough, lowered sexual interest has a devastating effect on a relationship, you would think that people would get help for it: the reality is rather different – it is often the most secret part of any relationship, and one which people are extremely reluctant to admit to.

Only when these deep feelings have been expressed in some kind of therapeutic process has been applied that will resolve them with a couple find that there intimate erotic connection has been re-established.

Even so, it’s important to remember that loss of desire may be due to something such as withdrawal from prescription drugs, or use of prescription drugs, or bereavement, stress, or overwork.

Video: Kegels Fix Premature Ejaculation


For obvious reasons, weak erection takes on a somewhat disproportionate importance as men advance well past middle age and grow physically weaker. While in most cases, this is not a pressing concern among the vast majority of younger men, a similar problem — that of premature ejaculation — appears to be just as overwhelmingly important.

Come to think of it, is there a particularly compelling reason why premature ejaculation is getting this much scrutiny? A major contributing factor is without a doubt the fact that people today are not anymore ready to endure a sex life that is less than gratifying. The wide-reaching information increase about sexual concerns that transpired in recent years is due to the open access to pornography on the internet and the gradual lessening of sexual inhibitions.

This indicates that formerly taboo subject matters such as premature ejaculation are now more mainstream, easier to deal with, and actually easier for people to discuss. But even now, only a few men try to find therapy.

Perhaps, it’s a matter of self-esteem for men but the latest medical findings reveal that a large number of men affected by premature ejaculation problems fail to seek any form of remedy for their condition. For females, it represents a frustrating break in rhythm and connection at the most important juncture of lovemaking.

The problem is not really about a woman’s inability to reach climax through conventional sex, because that is comparatively rare anyway, but more about the fact that pleasurable sex is cut short at the very stage when there is real sexual connection. The closeness of the sexual union is suddenly broken prior to a woman gaining a sense of real connection with the man.

Ironically, effective solutions to this dysfunction were already known more than half a century ago when early researchers like Masters and Johnson mentioned sexual psychotherapy and other treatments. And these clinical interventions – commonly known as a “stop-start” technique and the “squeeze” technique – actually work!

That these techniques aren’t as popularly accepted (and used) as might be expected is because sexual partners don’t have the inclination to keep on using them. Partly this is because it’s a lot easier for a man to just relinquish his self-control and surrender to the impulse to climax during sex. The male habitually does this at the point of ejaculation.

There’s no doubt that the desire to release sperm during sex is powerfully irresistible for the majority of men. It’s the product of millennia of human evolution. The female needs to get pregnant for the species to survive, so the desire to release is a naturally instinctive reaction.

Control Is Possible

But, like most instinctive responses, males can control it – by taking a decision to actually develop control of ejaculation. In short, the desire to ejaculate can be overcome, marginalized, and sacrificed for the longer term results of gaining greater self-control during longer lasting intercourse.

Preventing premature ejaculation is a rewarding path to achieve a greater degree of masculine self-respect, positive self-image, and sexual self-control. But what is normal?

Anything that’s as intrinsic (as sex is) to human relationships is, by definition, always influenced by cultural and social norms. Consequently, while some findings have concluded that the mean duration of sexual intercourse is about seven minutes, the length of intimacy considered as average for intercourse in non-Western societies is totally different.

Let’s pause and consider this for a moment. How exactly do they determine duration in sexual intercourse? It’s problematic, to say the least, that a stop watch needs to be used during a most intimate encounter between a man and his partner to measure the exact time between penile entry and ejaculation.

So what degree of reliability are we reasonably able to accept on results measured through a stop watch operated by the female partner enjoying sexual intercourse with her partner, unless she’s completely detached from the stimulation?

And if the woman is in fact indifferent to to be able to measure the time correctly, does that imply that a man may not be especially concerned about controlling his ejaculation?

Hoping an experimental protocol like this might yield some kind of accurate data sounds naively sophomoric. And even if we did accept seven minutes as the average length of time for sexual intercourse (and seven minutes is in fact longer than many clinical tests have shown as the median length of time of intercourse), then how do we interpret the fact that in certain Arabic cultures fast release is singularly viewed as a signature of virility?

This signifies that the estimated frequency of premature ejaculation in these Middle Eastern countries appears to be substantially lower than in, say, South America, where men consider drawn-out lovemaking as a symbol of masculinity.

Dr. Marcel Waldinger, a neuropsychiatric specialist , is one of the top medical therapists who have done extensive studies and tests on premature ejaculation in his own sexual health facility in the Netherlands.

Video – American Pie The Movie – Premature Ejaculation Scene

He believes that the real number of males in the general population who are actually experiencing premature ejaculation is significantly lower than reports from research paid for by drug corporations might lead us to believe. His technique is to measure the time between penetration and ejaculation. He maintains that this is the only objective indicator of whether a man suffers from premature ejaculation or not.

Outside issues such as concerns about sexual satisfaction or a man’s own estimate of the degree of his own self-control are generally excluded from Dr. Waldinger’s measurements. However, many people would consider those things as indispensably essential to defining premature ejaculation. Indeed, premature ejaculation has traditionally been described in a manner that demonstrates either one or both of the partners in a sexual relationship to be feeling emotional frustration directly attributable to the male partner’s rapid ejaculation.

The reasoning here is that even if a couple only achieves thirty seconds of lovemaking but both are fulfilled and happy with this, then the man, based on the classical definition, is not really a premature ejaculator.

Is this important? I’m fully convinced that it is important, for several reasons. First, it’s not only motivating but practical for males to have a a set of standards by which they can evaluate themselves as lovers. The scarcity of this type of information can often cause distress and uncertainty when a man has no sense of how he rates sexually compared to all his peers.

Unless his friends are being honest about their sexual performance and talking about it explicitly, he won’t know whether a couple of minutes, five minutes or 10 minutes is sufficient. And even if he does manage to make love for ten minutes but the woman doesn’t reach orgasm, he will still have no idea if he’s achieving a superior sexual performance or not.

Delayed Ejaculation

best sex positionsA crucial point that needs to be emphasized is that orgasm or the perception of reaching orgasm during sex is a mental event – it all happens in the mind, even though overwhelmingly pleasurable bodily sensations that are also experienced.

When men and their partners attempt to dig deeper into the concept of delayed ejaculation, the tendency is to lump orgasm and ejaculation together. Contrary to generally accepted perceptions, orgasm and ejaculation are two thoroughly separate functions!

Ejaculation, as you undoubtedly know, is a purely physical reaction which is induced by repetitive pleasurable physical contact to the penis and other pleasure points elsewhere in the body. Much research is still needed to find where sexual orgasm occurs within the brain, but we do know a significant lot about the synaptic connections by which the reflex response of ejaculation is precipitated.

For those who are interested, one theory is that when sexual arousal reaches a near-climactic threshold, the flow of semen into the end of the the urethra concentrates the pressure at the root of the erect organ, and this in turn triggers a whole series of physical responses including movement of the pubococcygeal muscle.

The autonomic nervous system is in control as far as ejaculation is concerned, while sexual arousal is controlled by the voluntary nervous system.

Delayed ejaculation has been known to the medical profession for years now, and evolution of the name used to identify this peculiar function most likely mirrors in a very real sense, the scientific community’s evolving attitude to this function: ejaculatory incompetence, ejaculatory over-control, retarded ejaculation, and finally delayed ejaculation.

representation of delayed ejaculationPersonally, I’m convinced that these changing names illustrate a gradually increasing level of respect for the men who are having relationship issues with their partners owing to their inability to ejaculate in a timely way during sex.

What is particularly puzzling to medical professionals is that most of delayed ejaculation (click here) sufferers are able to climax regularly when they are pleasuring themselves. This unusual reaction has led many scientists to speculate that there might be a correlation between a sex partner’s relationship status with the inability to reach orgasm and ejaculate. However, one must be a little bit cautious about attempting to find an explanation in the dynamics between a man and his partner.

It’s highly likely that a man’s apparent inability to ejaculate during oral sex with a partner, intercourse with a partner, or even masturbation by a partner, merely represents the fact that none of these arrangements provide a higher degree of stimulation that a man may be accustomed to perform on his own penis while masturbating on his own.

It’s obvious that the body can be conditioned to get used to these high levels of stimulation, so it’s inherently logical to initially find out whether or not the problem in ejaculating simply lies in the fact that the man by himself, can perform hard, rough, or high-frequency stroking during self stimulation, in a way that is not mirrored in the course of sexual intercourse with a partner.

If the problem is, in fact, triggered by a simple mismatch in techniques, the cure will be in the form of retraining the body, the sex organ and the brain, to acquiesce to much more gentle stimulation that can eventually result to a climax in the course of sexual activity.

In many instances, therapists and counsellors more often than not, adopt the position that the dynamics between the partners is the primary cause of delayed ejaculation.

stop watch used to measure intravaginal ejaculatory latency timeAs a matter of fact, there’s enough basis for this line of thinking. I have been acquainted with numerous couples in which a gradually rising attitude of hostility has diminished intimacy to the point where a man no longer finds enjoyment in intercourse, and sees it as a burden, whilst simultaneously finding himself powerless to reach out to his partner and start a rational conversation to find a mutually acceptable solution to these difficulties.

Moreover, even without resentment, antagonism, or any other emotion on the part of the male towards the woman, there may well be a particular type of personality who is predisposed to delayed ejaculation.

Based on the latest scientific journals, this personality profile appears to be a man who is somehow strangely unaware of his own process of sexual arousal, who frequently is unaware of how aroused he is during sexual activity, who looks at sexual activity as some obligation for which he is responsible, who regards himself as responsible for his female partner’s pleasure, and who believes that her pleasure must come before anything else and is the priority during sex. These personalities often, whether consciously or not, regard themselves as the “mighty purveyor of sex”, grinding on (pointlessly at times) to steer the sexual intercourse to a satisfying climax.

An important observation in this arrangement is that most of the partners of men in this situation tend to be unmotivated when it comes to sex, and have an expectation that the male is implicitly obligated to bring them sexual gratification. The truth is, they should be without a doubt responsible for their own orgasm. In instances like this, it’s absolutely advantageous to help and re-educate a couple and make available some actionable sexual information. Coached in such a way, their expectations and attitudes about sex and sexual pleasure can be now closely aligned with reality.

The single common trait of men who have this type of individual profile is that they often lack solid grasp of their personal level of pleasure. In a very real sense, there seems to be some kind of disconnect, or a blank space, in the sexual experience, in such a way that they have come to associate their internal process of sexual pleasure with the outside dynamics of engaging in intercourse with a partner.

What I mean by this is that their own erotic world normally doesn’t serve as a source of sexual stimulus and gratification: they are marooned in a frustrating cloud of sexual confusion where they are trying to engage in finding the best sex positions without the emotional and physiological tools that are important for it to be a pleasurable and intimate experience.

Premature and Delayed Ejaculation Compared

In recent years, some leading scientific publications and researchers seem to acknowledge that it would be helpful to greatly enhance the accepted definition of premature ejaculation into various classifications. This would help to differentiate involuntary, uncontrollable premature ejaculation from any other kind of premature ejaculation.

Based on numerous pieces of research, scientists have concluded with high levels of certainty that inborn or lifelong premature ejaculation refers to a condition that has obviously been present since a man’s initial sexual encounters, in adolesce or later. Acquired premature ejaculation is a comparatively ne expression that scientists employ to identify premature ejaculation that has an onset years after that first sexual experience.

There is likewise a 3rd type, a new variation, which has been called “premature-like ejaculatory dysfunction”. This refers to a condition found in some men, who sometimes climax too quickly during sex or during sexual intercourse, but who are usually able to time their climax with a reasonable degree of control and level of success.

Differentiating quickly between these different manifestations of premature ejaculation helps to quickly separate men who actually have an some serious sexual dysfunction from others who do not have a similar or particularly the same condition, but wrongly and mistakenly perceive that their performance during sex is unsatisfactory and possibly embarrassing.

One of the reasons that this new classification regimen has gained favor is the unsubstantiated suggestion that the level of dysfunctional premature ejaculation, as opposed to what has been termed premature-like ejaculatory dysfunction (a man’s erroneous understanding that he is not good in bed) is as low as 2% of men in the general male population. Such low estimate obviously needs to be reconciled with counselors’ experience with male clients.

Speaking as a counselor and therapist with many years of experience among male sexuality, I’m 100% thoroughly convinced that premature ejaculation is, in fact, a very real affliction and even a sexual disorder that is experienced by at least 50 percent of the men in the wider population.

And so it becomes clear that if premature ejaculation is experienced by half the population, then alleviating the problem successfully requires  a satisfactory definition with exact criteria to identify the symptoms of this medical disorder.

In the case of premature ejaculation, specific, repeatable criteria are hard to come by. What, for example, would be the average duration of intercourse? Each sexually active and involved couple clearly have a different sense  of what they want from sexual intercourse.

To say that PE involves some fairly randomly derived timing of – let us say three minutes or less – before the man ejaculates during intercourse would appear meaningless if the partners themselves are quite happy with the man’s performance in their sexual relationship.

That is unquestionably why definitions have been promulgated and refer to personal dissatisfaction or relationship disharmony caused by early ejaculation or inability to prolong the duration of sex before the moment of climax during intercourse. Yet this too is evidently unrealistic.

Emotional discord may be developing subtly in the relationship, and sexual compatibility between both partners, the male and the female partner, may become the tempestuous center of this dissatisfaction.

Moreover, it’s pretty  obvious that for couples who enjoy engaging in long foreplay which involves female orgasm before sexual intercourse – before the moment of actual penetration – the impact of rapid ejaculation and the emotional and situational resentment that it sometimes engenders, is going to be much less of a problem that it would be when a couple eschew foreplay and rush to the moment of penetration much earlier. Now, contrast this with delayed ejaculation. This is a condition where the man, cannot ejaculate during intercourse, no matter how long sex may go on for. More information can be found here. Delayed ejaculation is clearly a condition caused by physiological and emotional factors working together.

How then are we to dispassionately evaluate these two sexual dysfunctions from a reasonably scientific perspective and treat them both effectively? How can a sexual therapist effectively distinguish between a sexually active man who believes his sexual performance to be poor when, in fact, by any standard of acceptable measurement it is really normal, and a person who literally cannot stop his ejaculation and needs medical professional help or intervention? Delayed ejaculation nearly always needs professional help, it should be said.

In my opinion, the solution most likely revolves around discernment – a careful discrimination and examination of the symptoms. Emotional dissatisfaction alone is not a failsafe indicator of the need for treatment! Indeed, no – far from it! Nonetheless, if the sexual partners in relationship are very dissatisfied with the man’s lovemaking or his performance in bed, it may be beneficial to put forward educational information about sexual enhancements, the attitudes of male and female sexual mindsets, and explains longer and heightened foreplay methods that can help a woman to experience orgasm before interocurse begins.